Who knew teaching and alcoholism were so closely related?

To put it bluntly, anyone who's ever done Teach For America knows this little fact. I wouldn't limit this discovery to TFA teachers exclusively, I know for a fact that there are plenty of non-TFA educators who have been driven to one sort of bottle or another (just ask the 1st grade teachers at my school...they can all drink an LSU lineman under the table). The real question here is why? It's not necessarily the kids, though at times it feels like it. On any given day any kid can drive you to a point of frustration you never felt was possible, but at the same time they are truly the reason we keep coming back every day. In a way teaching is like drinking. If you drink the right amount you get a good buzz going and you feel like you're on top of the world...but drink too much and, well you can finish that thought for me I'm sure.

I have my own theories about why TFAers are driven to drink. We overindulge at school. We bring it home with us, take it to bed with us (how many of us have yelled "ACTIVE LISTENING POSITION" in our sleep? I know I have...) and rarely allow ourselves a guilt free weekend of relaxation. This is where the alcohol comes in. It is so amazing what a couple glasses of wine can do at the end of another shitty Tuesday full of more paperwork than a human deserves and the knowledge that there are still 3 more days until the weekend. I live for Fridays, and try to drink enough on Saturday so that I have an excuse to sleep in on Sunday when I know I should be working on lesson plans. My only real goal these days is to somehow avoid totally destroying my liver before my 2 years is up.

So maybe I'm being a little melodramatic...it's not THAT bad, but there are some days (and weeks) that really weigh me down. I think it comes from the fact that no matter how hard I work I can never quite get it right. My kids are truly challenging and I frankly still don't know quite what I'm doing. TFA did an OK job at Institute getting me ready for life in a regular classroom...but I teach special ed which is, by definition, NOT regular. I feel like I was trained to fly a jet and was put into a helicopter and told "Ok! Use your training and fly!" I'm lucky though, my school has a supportive staff and administration. At times they are almost too supportive. I'm constantly being told how "wonderful" and "amazing" I am and how "I'm doing so much with those kids" which only makes me feel guilty because I know better. It also makes me sad for my students, because I know I'm not giving them all what they need, so what were they getting before?!

I just realized it's the first Saturday of my first ever Thanksgiving week OFF and I'm sitting at my computer blogging about my recent drinking problem...funny thing is, I'm not even drinking! You'd think that as soon as school let out yesterday I'd be out partying, but quite the opposite occurred. I think I went to bed at 10pm last night. Maybe instead of drinking I should sleep more....nah. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Remember, be excellent to each other.

Adios.