To put it bluntly, anyone who's ever done Teach For America knows this little fact. I wouldn't limit this discovery to TFA teachers exclusively, I know for a fact that there are plenty of non-TFA educators who have been driven to one sort of bottle or another (just ask the 1st grade teachers at my school...they can all drink an LSU lineman under the table). The real question here is why? It's not necessarily the kids, though at times it feels like it. On any given day any kid can drive you to a point of frustration you never felt was possible, but at the same time they are truly the reason we keep coming back every day. In a way teaching is like drinking. If you drink the right amount you get a good buzz going and you feel like you're on top of the world...but drink too much and, well you can finish that thought for me I'm sure.
I have my own theories about why TFAers are driven to drink. We overindulge at school. We bring it home with us, take it to bed with us (how many of us have yelled "ACTIVE LISTENING POSITION" in our sleep? I know I have...) and rarely allow ourselves a guilt free weekend of relaxation. This is where the alcohol comes in. It is so amazing what a couple glasses of wine can do at the end of another shitty Tuesday full of more paperwork than a human deserves and the knowledge that there are still 3 more days until the weekend. I live for Fridays, and try to drink enough on Saturday so that I have an excuse to sleep in on Sunday when I know I should be working on lesson plans. My only real goal these days is to somehow avoid totally destroying my liver before my 2 years is up.
So maybe I'm being a little melodramatic...it's not THAT bad, but there are some days (and weeks) that really weigh me down. I think it comes from the fact that no matter how hard I work I can never quite get it right. My kids are truly challenging and I frankly still don't know quite what I'm doing. TFA did an OK job at Institute getting me ready for life in a regular classroom...but I teach special ed which is, by definition, NOT regular. I feel like I was trained to fly a jet and was put into a helicopter and told "Ok! Use your training and fly!" I'm lucky though, my school has a supportive staff and administration. At times they are almost too supportive. I'm constantly being told how "wonderful" and "amazing" I am and how "I'm doing so much with those kids" which only makes me feel guilty because I know better. It also makes me sad for my students, because I know I'm not giving them all what they need, so what were they getting before?!
I just realized it's the first Saturday of my first ever Thanksgiving week OFF and I'm sitting at my computer blogging about my recent drinking problem...funny thing is, I'm not even drinking! You'd think that as soon as school let out yesterday I'd be out partying, but quite the opposite occurred. I think I went to bed at 10pm last night. Maybe instead of drinking I should sleep more....nah. I'm gonna go get a beer.
Remember, be excellent to each other.
Adios.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
All can really mean "ALL"
I read an interesting blurb in a fellow Teach For America corps member's blog. She mentioned that she had read something about how "all" often refers to different groups throughout history and rarely does it ever really mean "all." Sometimes it refers to white men or white men who also own property. Women and minorities fit into there sometimes as well, but rarely. If you think about the statement "all people are created equal"you can't deny we've taken a few liberties with the meaning of some key words...
It's funny how we take language for granted. Think about it. How often do you say always, never or everyone? Do you ever really mean it? Is everyone really out to get you? Does your roommate really never do the dishes? Probably not. We just say this stuff. It comes out of our mouth like verbal diarrhea and we never stop to give a thought as to how it might affect the way we think. How can it not? If you repeatedly complain about how you can "never catch a break" are you going to be an optimist? Not likely. What if you tell people your best friend "always embellishes" are you going to believe her when she doesn't. Now I'm not saying to stop using these words, I'm just asking if you ever stop and think about them. Do you? I know I don't, at least not often enough. I think as a married person I need to watch myself more closely than ever before. Off the top of my head I can think of some things I have accused Erich of "always" doing, even though it simply is not the case. Always insinuates that something occurs 100% of the time. I know for a fact that Erich does not leave the bathroom faucet dripping 100% of the time, and yet I still say "You always do that!" in that accusatory, annoyed voice of mine. Not cool.
Ultimately, what I'm getting at is that the words you choose to use are important. I'm teaching in a self contained classroom now. I've got kids who have cognitive disabilities of all kinds. There are lots of verbal adjustments to make in this kind of career. For one, we try not to refer to the child as his or her disability. For example, to say a child is autistic is inappropriate. Instead we say a child with autism. That child is not defined by his or her exceptionality, just as you are not defined by your gender, age, race or sexual preference. I obviously try to abstain from using the word "retard" as a slang term (though sadly that's a hard habit to break), and I'm trying daily to use more positive language when describing my kids' challenges. Even words like "all" must be considered heavily when dealing with children with needs as great as mine. They are remarkable little people, yet so many people in their lives do not see their strengths. My school is well run and full of great teachers and administrators, yet these kids are still not treated the same as "all" the other kids. They are the outliers. Even within the classroom we have one child who is not always included when I say "all" of us. That's going to stop next week. I officially start teaching them on Friday, and starting Monday we're taking off at a high pace to try and catch these kids up with their peers. I'm not sure I have the stuff it takes to really get them there, but I do know this: I will include ALL of them in ALL of our activities and I will do my best to help ALL of them.
I encourage anyone reading this to think about a word that may be keeping you from being the person you want to be and consider changing how you use it or view it. It feels good.
Be excellent to each other.
It's funny how we take language for granted. Think about it. How often do you say always, never or everyone? Do you ever really mean it? Is everyone really out to get you? Does your roommate really never do the dishes? Probably not. We just say this stuff. It comes out of our mouth like verbal diarrhea and we never stop to give a thought as to how it might affect the way we think. How can it not? If you repeatedly complain about how you can "never catch a break" are you going to be an optimist? Not likely. What if you tell people your best friend "always embellishes" are you going to believe her when she doesn't. Now I'm not saying to stop using these words, I'm just asking if you ever stop and think about them. Do you? I know I don't, at least not often enough. I think as a married person I need to watch myself more closely than ever before. Off the top of my head I can think of some things I have accused Erich of "always" doing, even though it simply is not the case. Always insinuates that something occurs 100% of the time. I know for a fact that Erich does not leave the bathroom faucet dripping 100% of the time, and yet I still say "You always do that!" in that accusatory, annoyed voice of mine. Not cool.
Ultimately, what I'm getting at is that the words you choose to use are important. I'm teaching in a self contained classroom now. I've got kids who have cognitive disabilities of all kinds. There are lots of verbal adjustments to make in this kind of career. For one, we try not to refer to the child as his or her disability. For example, to say a child is autistic is inappropriate. Instead we say a child with autism. That child is not defined by his or her exceptionality, just as you are not defined by your gender, age, race or sexual preference. I obviously try to abstain from using the word "retard" as a slang term (though sadly that's a hard habit to break), and I'm trying daily to use more positive language when describing my kids' challenges. Even words like "all" must be considered heavily when dealing with children with needs as great as mine. They are remarkable little people, yet so many people in their lives do not see their strengths. My school is well run and full of great teachers and administrators, yet these kids are still not treated the same as "all" the other kids. They are the outliers. Even within the classroom we have one child who is not always included when I say "all" of us. That's going to stop next week. I officially start teaching them on Friday, and starting Monday we're taking off at a high pace to try and catch these kids up with their peers. I'm not sure I have the stuff it takes to really get them there, but I do know this: I will include ALL of them in ALL of our activities and I will do my best to help ALL of them.
I encourage anyone reading this to think about a word that may be keeping you from being the person you want to be and consider changing how you use it or view it. It feels good.
Be excellent to each other.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"There's nothin' like a bald pussy"
It's been more than a week since my first post. To be honest with you I've tried to write a new post at least 3 or 4 times now, but each time I psyche myself out. Why? Well, the feedback I received from my first post had me a little nervous that I couldn't meet everyone's expectations a second time! I was so excited and surprised by all of your wonderful comments. Thank you especially to Jill and Perry who even mentioned me in their own blogs. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That being said, I decided it's time to give it another shot. It's not going to be anywhere as intellectual as the first (if you couldn't guess by the title), but I'm hoping we'll all get at least something out of it. Here goes...
So let's get to the topic you're all waiting for, the title of this post. First of all, get your minds of of the gutters, I'm talking about hairless cats (now who's the pervert? hmm?). Why am I talking about bald cats? Well, because that's just the sort of absurd creature that I can use to sum up these past couple weeks of my life.
Lets start with sheer aesthetics. Those cats are just plain ugly, and so too have these last couple of weeks. Imagine this scene: a grown woman wakes up around 10:30 each morning, shuffles into the kitchen for coffee and whatever food scraps are chillin in the fridge, she eats while she surfs the web and then sits down to play some Playstation 1 without even bothering to brush or get dressed. This continues until a shower is a necessity. Pretty ugly indeed.
Back to the cats. I think we can all agree that they are not aesthetically pleasing to look at, but what about their purpose? As far as I'm concerned cats (at least in terms of being our pets) are meant to be around for our pleasure. What's better then petting and snuggling a sweet little kitty? Nothing, unless that cat is a disgusting, fur-less rat! Sorry, but who wants to snuggle with a bald animal? They are not cute and soft and cuddly, i.e. they do not have what is necessary and sufficient to be a pet cat, ergo they are not good pets. So to own a hairless pet cat is pointless. This brings me back to my last two weeks: utterly pointless. I came to Baton Rouge for a reason. I didn't say to myself, "gee I'd love to uproot my life and just go live in Baton Rouge and play video games all day." I am here because I wanted to help close the achievement gap and becoming a highly effective teacher. Yet, here I am, 5 weeks into school, no classroom, no kids, no job. Not really the best way to make a difference in education, wouldn't ya say? So, just like owning a hairless cat, an idealistic new teacher without a classroom is pointless.
Is there anything positive I can say about these animals/past two weeks? Yes. And it can be summed up by one word: Humor. I believe those cats exist so that I can laugh at their expense. They have also helped inspire me to write again, which for all intents and purposes is probably very therapeutic for me at this point. I should really give credit to a certain woman for inspiring me to finally write again; this same woman is the one to thank for my lovely title. She is a SPED teacher here in Louisiana, she teaches middle school self contained out in the boonies. She kindly took the time to show me the ropes of SPED paperwork and teaching children with special needs last Friday. I observed her classroom for almost the entire day and I left with two revelations: 1) you cannot teach these children unless you build truly strong relationships with them, 2) you must have a good sense of humor about everything. In her own wonderfully obnoxious sort of way this teacher (whom I will refer to as The Dupe from here on out) embodied these two facets of teaching to the core. Before I left for the day The Dupe showed me pictures of her and the kids. She takes them places on the weekends, has sleepovers at her home and takes them grocery shopping during the week to help build their life skills. Pretty awesome. But as we were scrolling through these pictures we came across her other "babies" - you guessed it, hairless cats. She raises them. In an instant she realized I was not a fan of hairless cats (it was probably poorly veiled look of disgust on my face) so she leaned over and said to me, "let me tell you something important: there's nothin like a bald pussy." And so there ya have it, wisdom from a veteran teacher. Not the sort of direct knowledge I was expecting to be given when I entered her classroom, and yet it was worth so much more than any of the tangible resources she did give me.
So where am I now? I no longer get up at 10:30 and feel sorry for myself all day. I recently got hired for a new teaching job and will begin sometime next week. But from here on I am going to take what I learned from The Dupe and her bald pussies and apply it as often as I can. It is this message that not only lightened my disdain for hairless cats, but also helped me regain some confidence about my choice to move here. She reminded me not to take things so seriously. Lighten up. Don't spend so much time focusing on a thing's faults, see the value in it. Even hairless cats have something to offer (i.e. a great opportunity for inappropriate innuendo)! But seriously folks, why don't we all just lighten up and try to have fun with things more often? Why do we stress so long and hard over shit that really doesn't matter. Try looking at your situation and seeing the absurd rather than the serious. If you can manage to do that, you'll live a lot longer and you'll laugh a lot more!
Life is full of moments and events we cannot control, but are we or are we not conscious, thoughtful beings? Isn't it within our power to react in any way we please? Think of all those times you were able to laugh at something later that at the time seemed like the end of the world. Who hasn't said at least once in her life, "you know, when I look back on it, it was actually pretty funny" ? My goal before my next post is to enjoy the humor in a situation in that moment. Why should I wait for later to see the humor in it? Why go through the stress of dealing with it seriously at the time when ultimately I'm going to use it as a funny dinner story later on? We are such funny creatures. We create so many of our own problems with our pig headedness and our unwillingness to look silly or profane. We create social rules that make us uncomfortable and awkward and stressed and forget that they are social constructions built and maintained by us!
I bet those hairless cats get a good laugh out of watching people.
Remember,
"Be excellent to each other"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Matters of Nothing
You might believe based on the name of my blog that I'm going to be some whiny, emo kid who bitches about life and how everything we do and believe is shit because none of it really, truly matters in the bigger picture. Well if you began reading despite thinking that you are going to be thoroughly disappointed. I graduated with a double major in philosophy and psychology and if there is nothing else that I learned while obtaining my degree it is this: there is always more than one way of looking at things.
For example, what would you say if I asked you what the phrase"nothing matters" means? You might be thinking to yourself "well that's easy it means NOTHING matters." Then you might go off on some existentialist tirade about how God and religion isn't real and we are all hopeless. If that's what you were thinking don't worry, you are not wrong, but what if I told you there are two other ways of looking at this phrase? Now the gears in your head are really turning.
Perhaps you came up with this as another option: Nothing MATTERS. In other words, Nothing is important. That's right, I said it. Perhaps nothing really does matter. Heidegger enthusiasts and eastern philosophy fans may know what I'm talking about. Nothing, in a very abstract sense, perhaps more clearly referred to as THE Nothing, matters. The Nothing is important. In fact, for some it is the most important element of Being, because recognizing the Nothing opens up all of ones possibilities and therefore helps one lead a more authentic life. That seems pretty important doesn't it? If you answered the question above this way then you have obviously done some extremely difficult, but mind blowing reading (e.g. Being and Time by Heidegger or the Tao te Ching).
Finally, a third option (and the one I will most likely be focusing on throughout my entire blog) is this: simply nothing matters, i.e. matters of nothing. What are most blogs anyway? They are the forum in which people share their thoughts and insights about life. When you boil it down to its very essence it is an ongoing discussion a person has with herself about matters (i.e. a situation, state, affair, or business) of nothing (i.e. nothing in particular, just everyday type stuff). So here we have the theme of my blog. I will not claim to have important insights into life, nor the answers to the questions we all have. I am simply a person who wants to say something about the daily nothings that occur so that I feel less alone and perhaps get a few laughs out of it.
My husband has a blog. It is very clever and in it I get the feeling he thinks he knows things others do not (or perhaps don't realize they know it). I think perhaps he does. He definitely knows more about the world/understands things better than I do. He writes with real wit and candor about his daily discoveries and I find it very entertaining (as do many of our friends and essentially anyone who knows him), but it is also educational. It is meant to get people thinking, or even at times to get them riled. He, like myself, is bothered by most peoples' general lack of awareness. Awareness of what? That's a good question and I think that's why he started blogging. Just general awareness seems to be missing in our country, perhaps our world, and it bugs him. He writes to potentially help others feel the discomfort he feels and in doing so maybe change the way things are. It is a noble goal, one I'm not even sure he would admit to, but as I talk to him and read his rants I get the feeling he is on some sort of mission.
My blog is going to be different. I, like my husband, am aware of lack of general awareness around me, however, I am also acutely aware of my own ignorance. There are many things (especially of a social and/or political nature) that if discussed in my presence cause me intense emotional feelings and discomfort. What bothers me most is not that my opinions are not heard or taken into consideration, but that I have such strong opinions about things I really don't know that much about. I fully anticipate sharing those very same opinions on this blog, but I hope that in the process I will discover why it is I feel entitled to those opinions. I want to embrace my ignorance more fully and learn to fill in my knowledge gaps rationally, rather than close myself to educational opportunities because of my emotions. Ultimately, this blog is about acquiring wisdom. It is not the only forum I am using to seek wisdom, however I think it will play an important role in the quest.
So why call it nothing matters? Like I said in the beginning, there are always more than one way of seeing things. This phrase always reminds me of that fact. Having this title will also allow me the flexibility of rambling about nothing in particular (i.e. the third definition listed above: matters of nothing). There is a lot of freedom to choose from a wide array of topics when you promise to write about nothing. That being said I hope that those of you who end up reading this enjoy what you read, but more importantly I hope it helps you keep an open mind. After all, it's so difficult to really, truly keep an open mind these days, why do you think I'm trying so hard right now? If nothing else I hope that at least one person who reads this will look at something he has taken for granted in a new way. If this occurs I will consider this a successful blog.
With that in mind, good luck to both of us and thanks for reading!
In the words of Bill and Ted,
"Be excellent to each other."
For example, what would you say if I asked you what the phrase"nothing matters" means? You might be thinking to yourself "well that's easy it means NOTHING matters." Then you might go off on some existentialist tirade about how God and religion isn't real and we are all hopeless. If that's what you were thinking don't worry, you are not wrong, but what if I told you there are two other ways of looking at this phrase? Now the gears in your head are really turning.
Perhaps you came up with this as another option: Nothing MATTERS. In other words, Nothing is important. That's right, I said it. Perhaps nothing really does matter. Heidegger enthusiasts and eastern philosophy fans may know what I'm talking about. Nothing, in a very abstract sense, perhaps more clearly referred to as THE Nothing, matters. The Nothing is important. In fact, for some it is the most important element of Being, because recognizing the Nothing opens up all of ones possibilities and therefore helps one lead a more authentic life. That seems pretty important doesn't it? If you answered the question above this way then you have obviously done some extremely difficult, but mind blowing reading (e.g. Being and Time by Heidegger or the Tao te Ching).
Finally, a third option (and the one I will most likely be focusing on throughout my entire blog) is this: simply nothing matters, i.e. matters of nothing. What are most blogs anyway? They are the forum in which people share their thoughts and insights about life. When you boil it down to its very essence it is an ongoing discussion a person has with herself about matters (i.e. a situation, state, affair, or business) of nothing (i.e. nothing in particular, just everyday type stuff). So here we have the theme of my blog. I will not claim to have important insights into life, nor the answers to the questions we all have. I am simply a person who wants to say something about the daily nothings that occur so that I feel less alone and perhaps get a few laughs out of it.
My husband has a blog. It is very clever and in it I get the feeling he thinks he knows things others do not (or perhaps don't realize they know it). I think perhaps he does. He definitely knows more about the world/understands things better than I do. He writes with real wit and candor about his daily discoveries and I find it very entertaining (as do many of our friends and essentially anyone who knows him), but it is also educational. It is meant to get people thinking, or even at times to get them riled. He, like myself, is bothered by most peoples' general lack of awareness. Awareness of what? That's a good question and I think that's why he started blogging. Just general awareness seems to be missing in our country, perhaps our world, and it bugs him. He writes to potentially help others feel the discomfort he feels and in doing so maybe change the way things are. It is a noble goal, one I'm not even sure he would admit to, but as I talk to him and read his rants I get the feeling he is on some sort of mission.
My blog is going to be different. I, like my husband, am aware of lack of general awareness around me, however, I am also acutely aware of my own ignorance. There are many things (especially of a social and/or political nature) that if discussed in my presence cause me intense emotional feelings and discomfort. What bothers me most is not that my opinions are not heard or taken into consideration, but that I have such strong opinions about things I really don't know that much about. I fully anticipate sharing those very same opinions on this blog, but I hope that in the process I will discover why it is I feel entitled to those opinions. I want to embrace my ignorance more fully and learn to fill in my knowledge gaps rationally, rather than close myself to educational opportunities because of my emotions. Ultimately, this blog is about acquiring wisdom. It is not the only forum I am using to seek wisdom, however I think it will play an important role in the quest.
So why call it nothing matters? Like I said in the beginning, there are always more than one way of seeing things. This phrase always reminds me of that fact. Having this title will also allow me the flexibility of rambling about nothing in particular (i.e. the third definition listed above: matters of nothing). There is a lot of freedom to choose from a wide array of topics when you promise to write about nothing. That being said I hope that those of you who end up reading this enjoy what you read, but more importantly I hope it helps you keep an open mind. After all, it's so difficult to really, truly keep an open mind these days, why do you think I'm trying so hard right now? If nothing else I hope that at least one person who reads this will look at something he has taken for granted in a new way. If this occurs I will consider this a successful blog.
With that in mind, good luck to both of us and thanks for reading!
In the words of Bill and Ted,
"Be excellent to each other."
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